


speak now (or forever hold your peace)

by seungwansvelet



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: F/F, somewhat slowburn, wenrene - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-22
Updated: 2019-10-22
Packaged: 2020-10-25 20:36:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20730389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seungwansvelet/pseuds/seungwansvelet
Summary: in a perfect world, joohyun and seungwan would meet and fall in love.but perfect worlds dont exixst, do they?





	1. beautiful beginnings

Joohyun stretches up, feeling the joints in her back crack.

Her mother had always scolded her for doing such, insisting she would regret making her joints pop and that it sounded gross, but it was a habit she could never quite break. During times that she was nervous, overwhelmed, or sometimes just lost in thought, her fingers would wander together and start pushing. She was currently the latter, dazedly staring down at the table in front of her, inspecting the flakes of color inside the white marble.

“Unnie,” she heard a sweet voice from behind her call. She turned around and locked eyes with Seulgi, the painfully adorable younger girl she had grown close to over her time as a trainee. Joohyun's personality was naturally very reserved and quiet, and she sometimes had a harder time being open and putting herself out there to make acquaintances. Personally, she didn’t really think it was such a bad thing. She was genuinely very content with herself and sitting alone with her thoughts. Putting in the effort to make friends and go through the whole 'getting to know someone' process seemed like such an exhausting task to her, one she was perfectly fine with almost always avoiding, if she was being completely honest. She knew very well her personality seemed contradicting, considering the reason she left her home town and came to this company, but she doesnt think about it often.

Having said all that though, as she looked into the girls eyes who had had called her, which were always sparkly with mirth, she finds herself silently thankful that the younger girl had stubbornly persisted her friendship.

“Whats up bear?” she responds, and Seulgi's eyes grow smaller as her smile gets bigger. Another adorable factor.

“I like that name,” she says, starting to wander in topic as she takes a seat next to Joohyun in the cafe of their company.

“Was there something you were gonna say Seulgi-ah?” Jooyun asks softly, remembering the questioning tone in Seulgi's voice.

“Oh yeah! The trainees from the last global audition are coming in today,and we're getting a girl from Canada added to our group!" Seulgi starts excitedly, bouncing the slightest bit in her seat, "Her name is Seungwan if I remember correctly, shes only a few days younger than me,” Seulgi finishes, smiling widely. While Joohyun takes in the information, Seulgi squints her eyes to look at the menu above the cashier not far from them. Joohyun thinks for a moment how she knows the cafe menu inside and out because of how much time she spends there, time Seulgi probably spends getting to know people. 

“Ah that will be nice, maybe you’ll have someone you can relate to better,” she teases, and Seulgi rolls her eyes with a giggle.

"Don’t be silly unnie, I love that you’re older than me, who else would I go to with all my problems?” she asks, and Joohyun smiles warmly at her younger before realizing something.

"I wonder if we will be able to communicate with her well though, I'd hate for her to feel excluded because of a language barrier," she wonders outloud. Not that it mattered what language the new girl spoke, since Joohyun's first language was silence.

"Well I kept bugging one of the coordinators about it, and they mentioned she was born in Korea but moved there to study, so I assume that won't be a problem," Seulgi explains, and Joohyun hums, content with the answer. They stand up to head to the cashier, talking together about what they’re going to order. As Seulgi chats, somewhat to herself, about which drink she should get, Joohyun notices the girl in front of her in line whom she doesn’t recognize. The cashier asks her what she wants, and she watches the small girl hesitate for a moment as she reads the menu. 

“Um yes!" the stranger starts, with a happy energy that takes Joohyun aback slightly, 'Could I have the, the um, s-sik,” the girl struggled to pronounce the word, and Joohyuns curiosity was peeked. She decides to speak up.

“Pardon, do you mean a sikhye?” she asks, gently tapping the girls shoulder. The girl spins to look at her, and Joohyun instantly feels a weird feeling run through her chest once she faces the girl.

“Yes! One of those please, thank you,” the girl says to the cashier, who punches it into the register and accepts her cash. The girl then turns to them, and Seulgi was pulled out of her thoughts at the young girl in front of them who was struggling to order a simple drink.

“Hello! My name is Son Seungwan, I probably seem pretty dense,” she laughs, “I haven’t been in Korea since I was pretty young, so the language hasn’t come back to me that fully yet,” she says, bowing with her introduction.

“Ah yes!” Seulgi responds instanty, turning to Joohyun with a giddy smile, while the elder wonders about the coincidence of this happening. "I was just telling my unnie about the new girl coming from Canada, I heard you are an amazing singer," Seulgi instantly starts chatting. Joohyun had been just a little distracted, taking in the arguably very attractive young girl in front of her, as she realizes she had been a little too quiet.

“I'm Bae Joohyun, its very nice to meet you Seungwan," she starts with a bow, "don’t worry about being choppy with the language, I’m sure it will come back to you before you know it, and we are happy to help you in any way, cause that’s what elders do. Well, Seulgi isn’t really your elder, but I am. I only know cause Seulgi said you guys were the same age…” Joohyun trailed off awkwardly, finding herself…rambling? Bae Joohyun does not ramble. Hell, Bae Joohyun barely talks as it is.

Seulgi eyes her for just a moment, picking up on her weird behavior but not saying anything.

Seungwan does nothing but give her a blinding smiling, “Well thank you! I think I like you two, we’ll be nice friends,” she smiles, before turning around to take the drink from the cashier.

“Say Seungwan, whats your room number? Do you know who you’re rooming with?” Seulgi asks curiously, before smiling at the cashier and ordering for her and Joohyun, ignoring Joohyun's pout.

“My room is 4C, and my roommates, if I remember correctly, are these two girls Park Sooyoung and Kim Yerim?” she asks, with a question in her tone as if shes not sure. At that, Seulgi starts to laugh and Joohyun smiles at Seungwan's sweetly innocent confused face.

“If you are remembering correctly, you’re in for it,” Seulgi jokes with that smile of hers, and Joohyun idly nods her head next to her in agreement. At Seungwan's eyes widening to a somewhat funny size, Joohyun jumps in.

“Don’t worry, they’re sweet girls, just very into causing trouble. especially that little rascal Yerim,” she explains for her, and watches as her facial expression relaxes back into a normal one. 

“I’m lucky to room with unnie here, she was in a room by herself until I asked to be moved from mine to hers,” Seulgi explains, and Joohyun feels the need to elbow the younger for starting a conversation that she was too embarrssed to have.

“Oh wow, how did you manage to have a room by yourself?” Seungwan asks with raised eyebrows, turning to Joohyun.

If Joohyun was just a bit further behind Seulgi instead of next to her, she could pinch her back without Seungwan seeing.

“Oh, most people are afraid of unnie's beauty, doesn’t this face just scream ‘don’t approach me’?” Seulgi replied, dramatically gesturing to Joohyun's face. Joohyun doesn’t care anymore, she pinches Seulgi anyways. Seungwan seems to take the question seriously, her brown eyes suddenly trained on joohyun for a bit as Seulgi whines at the pinch. Joohyun is use to people staring at her, but something about the sudden, intense gaze had her looking at the very interesting stain on the floor, suppressing the need to squirm. 

“Well, maybe she is a little intimidating looking,” Seungwan starts, and Joohyun finds herself suddenly needing to be anywhere but here, “but only because she looks, well, like a goddess. But I’ve personally found her very sweet, I can see why you’d want to room with her Seulgi,” Seungwan concludes.

Joohyun is frozen for a moment. Shes very use to people saying such things about her, but again, it just makes her cheeks flare red. Also, it was a little odd that Seungwan was answering as if Joohyun wasn’t standing there, but Seungwan did seem a little odd. Joohyun didn’t seem to mind though.

“That’s what I’m saying,” Seulgi agrees, and the two girls smile at each other. Offhandedly, Joohyun thinks about how shes happy Seulgi found someone that could be a little more her speed. Of course Seulgi was, and she imagined she would always be her, best friend, but the connection the two balls of sunshine had made Joohyun tilt her head and smile.

“I should probably be heading off, I still have to unpack and meet with some people to finish setting up my schedule for the next few months. I’m very happy to meet you girls, maybe I will see you around soon?” Seungwan asks hopfully, taking a sip of her drink she as she locks eyes with Joohyun.

Thankfully, for Joohyun’s sake, Seulgi is a quick talker.

“Not maybe, definitely. We’ll be seeing you in our practice group, so we’ll actually see you everyday at the start of next week. But thats just for practice, we’d love to hang out with you outside of that,” Seulgi says, already pulling out her phone to exchange numbers with Seungwan. Seungwan happily types her number in, and tells Seulgi to text her. 

“You too Joohyun-ssi,” Seungwan adds with that soft, pretty smile. 

Joohyun nods, “I will. I hope your unpacking and planning goes great,” Joohyun says. Seungwan thanks her shyly and smiles, bowing to the two one last time. The cashier grabs their attention to hand them their drinks, and Seulgi looks curiously at her unnie. After a beat of silence, she laughs slightly.

“You hope her planning goes great?” she questions, and Joohyun can hear a tone in her voice that sound awfully similar to those of the two girls Seungwan is rooming with. She smacks Seulgi’s arm, which only makes the younger laugh harder.

Looking over her shoulder as she goes to sit with Seulgi again at a table they previously occupied, she sees Seungwan pressing the button for an elevator. She’d met a lot of people since coming into this business, but something about the girl she just met already felt like it had changed something, in some way.


	2. its you and me. and us

(almost a year later)

"Joohyun unnie!" 

The high pitched noise calls Joohyun out of her thoughts from her bed, as she stared out the small window built in the middle of the walls. It was approaching evening, the sunset casting warm rays into her room through the window panes, and Joohyun was enjoying the view she had of the city beneath her. She was never that fond of heights, but it was hard to ignore the beauty of the city from up above during sunset. She finds it very calming, to be able to look down at the hustle and bustle of the city, while being hundreds of feet away from the chaotic noise. Speaking of chaotic noise,

"Hello Sooyoung-uh," Joohyun says without turning around, knowing full well who was behind her. The playful, flirtaious, soft at heart young girl shes grown awfully fond of.

"Did you get the text from Seulgi-unnie?" She asks, walking into the otherwise empty room and plopping onto the bed behind her.

"Oh, I haven't been on the phone for a few minuets," she replies, her eyes watching the tiny people down below, flitting from place to place quickly.

"Um, she sent it like an hour ago unnie," Sooyoung comments with a laugh hidden in her tone, and Joohyun just blinks. Now that she thinks about it, she had been staring outside since the sun was above the tallest building. I guess its easy to get lost in your thoughts when theres a lot to think about. "You're so funny unnie, come on," Sooyoung laughs, and Joohyun allows herself to be pulled up and out the door, swinging her hand that was intertwined with the younger girl.

An abundance of rapping classes had been added to Joohyun's training schedule unexpectedly within the past couple months, and its taken a toll on her. She wasn't prepared to be a rapper when she went into this, but she knew much better than to argue with the companies wishes. Since then, Seulgi and Joohyun had taken to getting Seungwan accustomed to the company, especially since she was added to the SM Rookies group. Joohyun learned that Seungwan was an outstanding singer, but she had some other aspects to catch up on. As she became more busy with her extra classes Joohyun had been finding herself wishing she could be there more for her, but she was happy she had someone as great as Seulgi to show her around. During that time, Seulgi had gotten closer to Seungwan's roommates, in turn making Joohyun close to them too. Anyone Joohyun became friends with had persisted her friendship relentlessly, since she was pretty use to being quiet. Kim Yerim and Park Sooyoung were great at that though. They were amazing social butterflies, and Joohyun had grown quite warm to them. She would iron their uniforms for school, and help them with their homework when they needed it. They teased her, saying she acted like a mom, but she knew how much they appreciated it. She also greatly welcomed the extra company, for they provided a much needed spark in her sometimes monotonus life. Still though, she had this thought in the back of her mind that would present itself at random, which was the thought of wanting to hang out with Seungwan. She got the chance every now and then, and the younger girl had started calling her unnie as well, a very welcome honorific on the older girls part. But, she still found herself itching to see her more.

As Sooyoung and Joohyun arrived at a door, Joohyun came to the kind of worrying realization that she never even asked Sooyoung where they were going, once again too distracted by her wandering brain.

Before she could even open her mouth to inquire, the door was being opened by none other than the girl who had been happily invading her quiet time thoughts.

"Hi Joohyun unnie," Seungwan said, a small, warm smile coming to her lips as she leaned in for a hug. Joohyun felt nice in her arms. She thought Seungwan was a great friend.

Whatever Sooyoung did behind Joohyun's back made Seungwan swat at her and pull back, "Hey Sooyoung," she sighed, accepting the hug Sooyoung pulled her into with a giggle.

Joohyun then hugged the other two girls in the room, Yerim and Seulgi. The five of them chatted amongst themselves, nervous as to what the reason could be that they were asked to meet in one of the trainers rooms. There was an anxious energy underlying their chatter, thoughts of what could be coming for the five of them.

A knock interrupted them, all five heads turning towards the door, silence overtaking the room.

When the door handle turns, all five girls let out a collective gasp at Kim Youngmin walks in, greeting the five trainees with a bow. They all instantly shoot up, bowing and greeting him with nervous hello's.

"It's nice to see you all gathered here for an enjoyable announcement," he begins, motioning for them to sit on the couch, which they all do quickly. He laughs gently at their eagerness as he sits on a chair separate to them and takes in a deep breath.

"You five girls have been working extremely hard recently, some of you for a few years, and it has not gone unnoticed. I am more than sure you have heard about the rumors of a new girl group being formed," he speaks, and Joohyun feels a shiver run down her body. Could this truly be happening? She feels two hands grab hers, but her brain is too far into overdrive to focus on anything other than the Co-CEO of their companies next words.

"Joohyun, Yerim, Seulgi, Sooyoung, Seungwan, congratulations, you will be the members of SM Entertainments next girl group, debuting in March of 2015," he announces with a smile, and the look on their faces has him chuckling again. Somewhere in her mind, Joohyun recognizes that whoever is holding her left hand is squeezing it so hard its about to break.

"And I hate to damper this happy moment, but I do have a bit of bad news. Yerim," he turns to the youngest, who Joohyun now realizes is holding her left hand, "You won't be permitted to join the rest until seven months after the initial debut, so that you will be sixteen years of age," he says, giving Yerim a somewhat apologetic look. The grip on Joohyun's hand falters, but Yerim nods her head quickly.

"I know this is a lot to take in right now, and don't worry about the details. You will be getting updated schedules soon, your group training will start immediately. Yerim, you will train mostly with them, but as they grow closer to debut we will have you back in regular training sessions. Thank you girls for joining me here tonight, I hope this news gives you the energy to keep working," he says, smiling at the five young girls in front of him, "I know its getting late, please return back to your rooms, we will update you soon," he finishes, standing up and bowing, the girls standing to bow back and thank him repeatedly. He leaves after one last farewell, and once they are sure he has walked a good ways away, five squeals break the silence of the room, Seulgi initiating a group hug.

Pulling back, Joohyun is the first to notice the dampness in Yerim's eyes, and she pulls her in. She knows the youngest girl very well, almost feeling like she has practically raised her, and she knows she doesn't want to make a scene. So while the other three girls started chatting excitedly, Joohyun simply held Yerim tightly, hoping to comfort the young girl who has worked so hard.

\---------------

Joohyun was always pleased with how easily she was able to sleep at night, but that had seemed to go astray after such a whirlwind of a night. Despite being told to return to their dorms, the five girls had stayed there easily two more hours, talking about anything and everything relating to their new group. They didn't notice the time passing, too consumed with all the questions and possibilities. Everyone was aware of what was going on with their seniors at the time, and the upsetting situation their company was allowing, and the thought of debuting amid that chaos was a quiet, looming worry that they decided to ignore for the night.

But still, here Joohyun lies in her bed, her best friend snoring loudly in the bed opposite hers. She turned onto her side, staring at the clock that glowed green with the terribly late time of night. Even though they hadn't gotten any more information other than just the simple announcement itself, the girls had been convinced Joohyun would be their leader. That thought alone had Joohyun's mind throwing a fit, no matter how badly she needed sleep.

She was also never one for being on her phone at night (which earned her Yerim's tease of "uptight unnie"), but the second a familiar, specific text tone sounded out, she jumped at the chance to escape her thoughts. 

"hey unnie. i hope this doesn't wake you up if you are sleeping. but um, are you up? already? :D"

A smile found its way to her face at Seungwans text, to which she responded quickly that she was in fact still up. After which, her phone went quiet for about fifteen minuets. She wasn't exactly disappointed, but she was a little, well, disappointed, I guess. She was looking forward to a distraction fromm her worries in the form of a bubbly, comforting girl. Nonetheless, she fell back into her thoughts, which has become so distracting that she almost missed the very quiet knocking on the door. Joohyun slipped out of bed and looked through the peep hole in the door, seeing a tiny Seungwan standing on the other side. She eagerly opened the door, and smiled at her. Joohyun turned to look at Seulgi, making sure the girl was still sound asleep, and she slipped outside, shutting it quietly behind her.

"I'm, I'm sorry to bother you," Seungwan started quietly, beginning to fiddle with the hem of her sleeve, suddenly feeling embarrassed for coming to Joohyun's room.

"No, I'm so glad you did, I couldn't sleep at all, too much going on up here," Joohyun replied, tapping the side of her head. 'You're so awkward,' she thought to herself.

"I know its late so theres no where to go, do you wanna maybe just sit here?" Seungwan asked softly.

So they did, they sat right down in the hallway outside the door, and talked.

They talked about practice, they talked about food, they talked about home, they talked about anything.

At some point, Seungwan mentions how she heard Yerim crying after she thought her and Sooyoung were asleep, and Joohyun feels her heart ache for the young girl. Knowing how she is as well, Seungwan didn't want to make her feel embarrassed since she knew Sooyoung was also not sleeping yet, so she stayed 'asleep' for Yerim's sake. Joohyun knows she will need to talk with the young girl soon.

They sit in comfortable silence for a while, before a thought in Joohyun's mind broke out of her mouth.

"You will definitely be our main vocalist," Joohyun comments quietly, and in the very dimly lit hallway, she doesn't notice the warmth grow on the youngers cheeks. Seungwan is quiet after that, and Joohyun accepts the silence with ease. Her mind wanders on its own, the thoughts less stressful and daunting than the were an hour ago in her bed. The thing that has her focusing again is the sniffle she hears from the girl next to her.

"Seungwan-ah!" she whisper yells, "Are you alright?" She asks quickly, startled at Seungwan's sudden tears.

Seungwan laughs despite herself, "Yes yes, don't worry unnie, I'm just feeling very... proud right now. This is all I've wanted since I was young, and I was so hesitant to give up my life back home, but I'm so happy I did and that it paid off," she explained, her voice a little shaky, but happy nonetheless. Joohyun felt proud of her too. She pulled the younger girl into a hug, and warmth bloomed in her chest. She may have only known this girl for several months, but shes gotten to know so much of her during that time. She's learned what a hard worker she is, desperate to make up in area's she lacks. She's learned she has the biggest heart of anyone she's ever met, caring so much about the people around her, even total strangers. She's learned that she gets nervous and doubts herself and her capabilities quite often, and that she needs reassurance. And she's learned to be there for her, because shes also learned someone as amazing as her deserves to know how amazing she is. 

"I'm happy you did too," she admits in the quiet hallway, "I'm happy I know you Son Seungwan," she says, feeling uncharacteristically cheesy, but the words felt so right.

Seungwan seems to agree, as she hugs Joohyun tighter. When they pull back, she smiles at Joohyun with a smile so bright Joohyun has to look away because it makes her feel bright too.

"This is gonna be really hard, and scary, and nerve wracking," the younger breaks the silence, making them both let out short laughs, "but I think we'll all be okay. Because its you and me. Well, and us. All of us. You know what I mean," she says, breaking the eye contact they held in the dark. Joohyun laughs and rests a hand on the nervous girls knee. somewhere in her mind happy to not be the fumbling one for once. "I do. You and me, and all of us."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know there wasnt much wenrene in this chapter, as im still setting up the strory and introducing people. dont worry, the sickeningly cute wenrene will show up soon hehe. leave a comment and let me know what you thought!


	3. what will you think of me?

Move in day is finally upon four young girls.

As Seungwan makes her way down familar trainee hallways towards a familiar room, she starts to think back to the week that had just passed.

\--

“Unnie, you can go to her,” Yerim says casually as she plops down onto the bed next to her, the third one vacant for the moment.

Seungwan lifted her focus from her phone to the younger girl, appalled. “Yerim I wouldn't do that! It's one of our last nights in this room together,” she argues, but Yerim just smiles knowingly.

“Unnie, we can be roommates again in just seven months for probably years to come if you want to that badly, and I'm sure I'll be over your dorm all the time. It's okay. Go to Joohyun unnie, I can't help you with the worries you have right now, but she can.”

As Seungwan hugged her goodbye for the night, Yerim leaves her with some parting words.

“I may be a kid, but I'm not blind unnie.” Seungwan can't even begin to imagine what it is the young girl could be conjuring up in her cute little head as she walked down the hall, pondering Yerim's words. She decides that she must be having too much fun with Sooyoung and their fun game of fantasies.

\--

As she opens the door, for what she wistfully thinks will probably be the last time as a roommate, she finds Sooyoung packing up her last few things, with Yerim laughing loudly on her bed, her belongings still surrounding her like everyday. Her own stuff was already at the new dorm (or room, she should say), having been taking taken over by their new managers. She sat down on the youngers bed and watched the two for a moment, before Yerim turned to her and jokingly rolled her eyes. "Unnie, don't look so down," she joked, bumping her shoulder with Seungwan's, and the other two in the room chucked. Looking around the room, Seungwan let out a small sigh.

"Won't you be a little lonely for a couple months? I know I would be. It's not too late to get a roommate you kn-"

"No!" Yerim cut her off, jumping onto her knees with wide eyes, making the bed shake in response. "You don't think I'll love being by myself for a couple months, after rooming with you two for over a year? And having to live with all four of you for years and years? I will take this peace and quiet unnie, thank you," she said dramatically, flopping backwards onto the bed. 

From the other side of the room, Sooyoung let out a barking laugh as she finished closing the last zipper.

"Yerim, you were most of the reason there was no peace and quiet."

Yerim just shrugged, before pushing herself onto her elbows, looking at the two girls in front of her.

"I will miss you guys for a couple months," she admitted finally, her voice a little low.

Seungwan and Sooyoung appropriately began to attack Yerim with hugs and kisses, making her groan and take back her statements.

The three enjoy their finale few minuets with each other, before the older two are summoned to come to the van, where Seulgi and Joohyun were already waiting. With final goodbyes, Seungwan helped Sooyoung carry her stuff down, Yerim saying she's said enough tearful goodbyes', and that she'll come visit that weekend.

When they finally reach the black van, already loaded with Seulgi and Joohyun's stuff, she catches sight of the older girls chatting through the window of the van. She tries not to be overly emotional, was always told that was a weak point in her personality, but she felt excitment begin to bubble inside her as she walked further from the trainee dorms.

The driver steps out and takes Sooyoung's stuff from her, directing her to the van door after exchanging bows. Sooyoung climbs in first, and when Seungwan follows she finds herself tripping over her own feet a little.

"Ah Seungwan-ah, are you falling for me?" Joohyun asks in with a silly giggle, matching Seulgi's. Seungwan feels warmth spread to her cheeks as she opens and closes her mouth, trying to find the words to say how ridiculous tha is.

"Yah, unnie," she finally says with a whine, huffing as she climbs into the seat next to Joohyun, with Sooyoung and Seulgi in the back. 

"I can't believe I have to share a room with the both of you," Sooyoung groans as her head falls agaisnt the headrest.

Turning around in the bench seating, Seungwan glares at Sooyoung. "You have to share a room with Seulgi too!" she argues.

Sooyoung frowns back at her for a moment and goes to open her mouth, but then their driver steps in and they all snap their attention forwards at Joohyun's quick command.

As they all guessed, Joohyun was appointed their leader. Bae Joohyun, leader of Red Velvet. Or, Irene, Seungwan reminds herself. Irene, leader of Red Velvet.

//

"Easy, I'll just be Wendy," Seungwans says easily, relaxing into the booth at the SM Cafe.

Joohyun huffs, "Well of course its easy for you, you had an English name when you lived in Canada," she pouted at her, setting her drink down with slight frustration.

"I'm gonna be Joy," Sooyoung says after only a moment of silence.

There was a chorus of "That's perfect for you Sooyoung," and "Aww"'s from the others, and even though Joohyun agreed that it fit her well, she was still annoyed that she was yet to find the perfect name for herself.

Sooyoung looked at Joohyun and seemed to sense this, because she stuck her tongue out at her.

'Whatever, Seulgi, Yerim, and I are still figuring it out," she says indigently, but Yerim quickly speaks up.

"I'm just going with Yeri, short and sweet," she says, taking a sip of her smoothie.

"Aw, just like you," Sooyoung smiles.

The two bicker for a moment, before Seulgi sheepishly turns to Joohyun.

"And actually unnie, I've spoken with the managers on just keeping Seulgi for my name. They offered me the name Rowoon because they said Seulgi might be a little hard for international fans, but I don't want to change mine," she explains, with an apolgetic tone in her voice. Joohyun lets out a huff, scooting further into the booth and glaring down at her drink like she was waiting for it to come alive and give her an answer.

The girls throw out names, trying to help her. Grace. Rose. Vannah. Joo Joo. She glares at Yerim for that one.

Every offer has her shaking her head. She knows if she wanted to keep Joohyun they would probably let her. Its not hard to pronounce, and easy to remember. But Joohyun decided long ago that she wanted to use being an idol as a chance to show a different side of her, a side less shy and quiet, and she wanted a new name to go with it.

The sound of a text from one of their phones finally brings them to notice the time, and they decide they should head back to their rooms.

"You guys go ahead," Joohyun starts with a sigh, "I'm going to clean up our stuff and think a little more," she says as the rest begin to stand up. They all give her a hug goodnight, and Seulgi tells her not to come back too late, which she agrees to.

As they all start walking away, she begins to gather their almost empty cups together, taking the napkins and wiping off the table, lost in thought.

"Unnie?" 

She looks up instantly at the sound of Seungwan's voice, who was sitting across from her now. She notices the other three in the distance, heading up the elevators and laughing. Before she could say anything or tell her to go get sleep, Seungwan is talking.

"You know what was one of my favorite things to learn about in school?" she asked.

Joohyun really has no idea where this is going or why Seungwan is bringing it up, but the sound of the youngers voice has always made her feel a little calmer, so she shakes her head, waiting for her to continue.

"Greek mythology," she says, with a pretty smile on her lips. "I was always fascinated by the stories of the legends, I would stay up at night reading books about it. And there was this one goddess, the goddess of peace, who I enjoyed reading about so much that I even found a way to write about her for my finale paper in Social Studies," she says with a laugh. Joohyuns laughs too, still totally unaware of where this is going, but still not caring. "The goddess of peace, her name was Irene," she finally finishes, and it clicks in Joohyun's head. Joohyun is quiet for a moment, when Seungwan picks up her ringing phone.

"Yes Sooyoung I'm coming back, calm down. Yeah, I'm with unnie," she pauses, listening. "Okay okay, bye," she says, setting the phone down on the table and looking back at Joohyun.

"Thank you Seungwan-ah," Joohyun says quietly, and Seungwan smiles that pretty smiles and gives her another hug before going to bed.

The next day, at the meeting with the managers, Joohyun announces she will go by Irene. Three of her other members murmur to themselves about how pretty the name, how it fits her, and the fourth member just quietly meets her eyes, matching the smile on her face.

//

When the van slows to a stop in front of a building not too far from the SM company building, the four girls are jittery with excitement. 

They file out of the van quickly, all repeatedly bowing and thanking the driver, before pulling their suitcases and backpacks through the door, and up the elevators that they will soon become familiar with taking. Seungwan follows the others out of the doors when it reaches their floor, her eyes looking at every little thing they can. Not that there's all that much to look at, but she takes everything in regardless. She's a little busy wondering to herself what the inside will look like, when she suddenly bumps into Seulgi's back, who;s obviously stopoped in front of their door, and she just giggles and grabs Seungwan's hand. Joohyun has the key for the new place, and Seungwan holds her breath as she unlocks it. She tries not to be too much of a sentimental person, but she knows this will be a moment she remembers forever.

The maroon door swings open, and the light switch is flicked on by Joohyun, making the area visisble to them.

Right in front of them is a small couch with a television placed in front of them, to the right is a bar counter with a simple kitchen behind it, and there's two closed doors on the furthest wall, one being a bathroom, and the other is one bedroom with two sets of bunks inside. They knew it wouldn't be much, and they were all too excited at the thought of having their own group dorm to care what it looked like. They choose beds oldest to youngest, and Joohyun instantly picks the lower bunk on the left, saying she will never sleep six feet off the ground. Then Seulgi chooses the upper bunk of the opposing bed, because she wants to give Joohyun a break from her snoring, even if that break is just five feet further away. Seungwan sees Sooyoung keep looking at the upper bunk above Joohyun, so she chooses the bed below Seulgi, and just like that they're all settled in.

That evening, Sooyoung declares they should have a movie night to break in the new place, but since they don't have any sort of streaming service they just settle for the first movie thats somewhere near the beginning. 

"We need to grocery shop tomorrow," Joohyun says with a laugh as they order dinner from the takeout place that sits a couple doors down from their apartment complex.

The couch is really only made for three people, but the four of them still squish into it. Seungwan on the far left, then Joohyun, Seulgi, and Sooyung. They pass around the food that they decide tastes pretty good, and follow along with the cheesy romance movie that plays in front of them.

At least Seungwan tries to follow along. She really does. But her brain drifts and drifts, too distracted. She tries to lie to herself, saying that she can't understand some parts of the movie, but she understands every word. She knows whats really got her mind floating off to places shes always stayed away from.

See, Seungwan has known for a long time that she is gay. She never found herself daydreaming about guys, never put up posters of famous male idols on her bedroom, and when her friends in Canada were squealing over their first kiss with a boy, she was left feeling like something was a little wrong with her. Then for Christmas her older sister gave her the Sims game for her computer, she learned how to make two girls kiss, and the rest sort of fell into place. She almost instantly told her older sister, who was completely supportive, and two years later she tearfully came out to her parents, who hugged her and gave her nothing but love in return. She eagerly wanted to tell people in her school, wanted to date girls and catch up on all she missed out on, and maybe join some clubs or something, who knows. But then the international SM audition came around, she was accepted in, shipped off to Korea, and thrown back into the closet. Sure, she was a little disappointed, but she knew it wouldn't really matter anyway. She had a lot to catch up on compared to these girls that had been there for years, and yeah, there were some really pretty girls, but like she said, she had a lot to focus on, so it was easy to forget. When her members talked about boys, she never had any stories to share, but she knew too well how to sound like her interest in boys was genuine. She knew she would have to tell them someday, and she sort of felt like she was burrowing herself deeper and deeper into a little lie, but it never felt like the right time. It still never seemed important enough. There wasn't a girl that had given her those feelings that she wanted to share with her members.

Until this exact moment on the couch, and Seungwan could almost laugh at the situation.

She always found Joohyun pretty. Who didn't? She also found Seulgi pretty, and Sooyoung, and even young Yerim, and tons of girls. Never meant anything more.

And Joohyun always calmed her worries, made her feel safe and like everything would be okay. But the others did too. Nothing out of the ordinary there.

And well, maybe Seungwan has never found herself quite in this position she did right now, with her body squished tightly against Joohyun's. And well, maybe she never would have realized, if she never found herself in this position. Maybe it could have been avoided for much longer, something to worry about when they weren't about to be a new group, judged by millions of people. At a time when she had less to worry about. But that's not what happened. It happened right here, right now, with the whole right side of her body feeling like it was on fire and thoughts of how soft Joohyun's skin is and how unfairly gorgeous she is and what a kind heart she has and-

She can do nothing but accept it. And keep it from Joohyun.Seungwan is the first to retire to her new bed, faking a yawn and telling them goodnight. She hugs each of the,, admittedly rushing through Joohyun's hug just a tad, and heads off to her bed. She is only laying in her bunk for what she thinks of five minuets (its been a half an hour), staring at the ceiling, when Seulgi comes in.

"Wan-ah? What are you still doing up?" 

"Seulgi how do you feel about gay people?"

The question comes out too quickly, stumbling over her words. She didn't mean to blurt it out. But its out.

Seulgi stands still in her steps for a moment, turning her head from the phone in her hands to her best friend, before tossing it into the upper bunk and climbing into the lower one. The bed is too small to sit up in, so Seulgi settles next to hear, laying down and facing the wooden slats above her, holding up the upper bunk. The silence in her actions begins to freak Seungwan out, her brain eagerly supplying her reasons why, the fact that Seulgi must hate her now being the number one.

"I don't think anything different about them than I do about straight people," she says simply, her voice even, with no hint of a lie in it.

Seungwan hums. Seulgi stays quiet.

"Why do you ask?" Seulgi says carefully into the air. Testing the waters. She won't make Seungwan say something she doesn't want to.

Seungwan turns her head to face her best friend, Seulgi her turns as well. 

"Oh you know, just curious," she answers quietly, with a smile. She doesn't have to say it. Seulgi knows. Seulgi won't make her say it.

"I love you Seungwannie," Seulgi says, sweetly cuddling close to her friends side, making her laugh for the first time in a couple hours.

"I love you too Seulgi. Thank you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im not proud with how this one turned out, its hard to not compare myself to other writer that are a lot better than i am lol. i hope it doesnt seemed rushed, i just dont want to make this like a 30 chaptered story lol. not when i have many more ideas! sorry i think "lol" is a puncuation.


	4. washed away

Joohyun decided that, yes, it was best to have that talk with Sooyoung.

They had it when Seungwan went with Seulgi to meet with their choreographer about some minor changes made to their comeback dance. Joohyun had refused to talk about it with the younger girl in the dorm. Seungwan, not Seulgi. 

And she was really happy with the way it turned out. It brought her clarity, calmed her nerves of confusion, lead her to a realization of why she feels around their vocalist the way she always has, and, most importantly, helped her make a super important decision. 

Now, whether it was a good decision was still up for debate. Well, not to Joohyun. But it was to Sooyoung. Okay, well maybe not up for debate, Sooyoung just thought it was terrible. Absolutely terrible.

"Unnie, this isn't going to get you anywhere!"

Joohyun barely looked up from the spot on the counter that her eyes were stuck to. "Who said I wanted to go somewhere?"

Sooyoung sighed, and began tapping her fingers on the counter, a familiar nervous habit of hers. Joohyun finally peered up from where she sat on the other side, looking up at the younger girl, who was now also biting her lip and staring in thought at her. She straightened up, not like it made her much closer to Sooyoung's standing height.

"What? What are you thinking? Say it," she demanded with a frown on her face, but it didn't deter Sooyoung any faster, who still just wrapped her fingers and looked at her, before she finally broke. Pushing off the counter, she walked around until she could pull up the stool next to Joohyun, their food that was between them long forgotten.

"Unnie, I've seen this for a long time now,"

"Yes you mentioned that, I get it-"

"No, I mean that I've seen it all," Sooyoung interrupts, gently resting her hand on Joohyun's leg, "I've seen how much you care, I've seen the longing looks, and I have definitely seen the jealousy, and you're really pretty unnie, but green isn't your color," she says as lightly as she can, but Joohyun scoffs nonetheless. She pushes Sooyoung's hand off of her, but before the words of argument can leave her mouth, Sooyoung is shaking her head and continuing. "When she talks to any other idol, when our interviewers flirt with her, hell even when our fans flirt with her, you get all snippy and possessive, then later you get mopey. I don't like seeing you sad Joohyun unnie, it makes me sad too," she finishes, returning her hand to its position on Joohyuns right leg. 

Joohyun's shoulders sag, not willing to put up a fake argument in response.

"I know. I know, and I know you know. But you should know Sooyoung, as well as me, that it just can't happen. Lesbians arent very well accepted in Korea, I don't think I've ever even met any, and I dont mind being the odd one out, but the chances of Seungwan liking girls is so small, and stop saying she acts gay, you all act gay, stop giving me that look, and even on the one percent chance she does, what would be the chance of her liking me?" Joohyun is starting to tangent now, because her voice is getting higher, "and even on that on percent chance that she does, how could I force her to hide a relationship away? Straight relationships aren't even accepted in our industry, if a lesbian relationship came out we would probably be kicked out of the country. Not that I would mind leaving the country with her," she continues, and Sooyoung doesn't even think Joohyun remembers shes sitting next to her right now, "but no, I can't do that to her. It's not fair. So," she finally turns to the younger girl, a sad smile on her face, "this is my only option."

And it really is. At least in Joohyun's eyes. Because Joohyun has never been irrational, and she wont begin now. So after a long time alone, gathering up her messy feelings until they fit (somewhat) neatly inside her head, she knew what she had to do. Which was to put reasonable distance between her and Seungwan until her feelings for her could go die somewhere, because if they stayed there, or even worse, got stronger, she was setting their entire group up for failure. And there is no way Bae Joohyun would ever, in a million years, do that to her girls. Not after all they have been through, after all they've worked for, after all they've done for her. She would not let something like her stupid feelings tear them down when they were at their peak, one of the top girl groups in the industry. It would be so stupid of her, she knows it. Stupid, and unfair, and selfish, and a terrible decision. 

Even if her stomach flipped whenever Seungwan rested her head on her shoulder. Even if she instantly felt warm and safe in Seungwan's embrace. Even if Seungwan's voice was her favorite sound in the world. Even if her heart stops every time Seungwan comes to them from hair and makeup. Even if her heart stops everytime Seungwan comes to them in her pajamas, no makeup to be seen, her wet hair dripping onto her oversized t-shirt. Even if her heart ached when she was another idol being close with Seungwan, and making her laugh and blush. Even if thoughts of the caring girl filled her head every second. Even if she had to turn away so no one could see her blush when Seungwan did something particularly attractive. Even if she had to look away from those pretty brown eyes, so she couldn't see the hurt in them when she pulled away from her. Even if she had to cry herself to sleep at night. It didn't matter, she had her own room anyway.

She told herself she could do it. 

She told herself it was for the best (because it was, she was- no is, sure of it.) 

She told herself to be strong.

She told herself, she told herself, she told herself.

But no amount of strength or resilience could keep her strong when Seungwan finally knocked on her door one night, somewhere around two in the morning. 

Nothing could keep her strong when she saw the younger girl with tears streaming down her cheeks, her eyes red and puffy, and her eyes shining with new tears about to be shed.

"What did I do?" she aks, her voice shaky and so sad that Joohyun is afraid the pain in her chest will knock her out, "Whatever I did, please, please let me know, I'll do anything to fix it, I can't stand knowing you hate me now."

And all her hard work. All her tears. All her gritting her teeth and forcing herself to try and think different thoughts. All Sooyoung's (and Seulgi's, and eventually Yerim's) disappointed gazes. It all was washed away, with one tear coming down Seungwan's left cheek.

"Seungwan-ah, I'm in love with you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know this chapter seems rushed, and is much shorter than others. i dont really love writing angst for a long time, it makes me sad lol. maybe in the future. i generally dont really feel like im doing well with this story, i feel like the timeline is messy and confusing and its too fast sometimes and too slow other times. but then again, it wasnt meant to last for a long time, just to be a few chapters. i will use this story as practice for future ones, and learn how to make things flow better, and how to to pace a story setting better. regardless thank you everyone commenting, and for putting up with this story, it makes me so happy everytime i see a new comment. thank you!

**Author's Note:**

> welcome to my first fic! im not the best writer, and also not sure how ao3 quite works yet, so please be patient :) i am cross posting this on aff, if you happen to see it there. i hope you enjoy it, let me know what you think, critics included. also, i know some of the facts of when the girls joined the company are a little tweaked, its just to make it fit better.


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